Top Way's to Fracture Your Sex Life & Marriage

I recently spoke at a local Mops group, and wanted to share my notes with any of you who may read my blog.

I hope and pray that it encourages you.

Let’s talk about “sex”!

When I say the word “sex” many thoughts run through our minds. I asked the ladies what was the first thing that went thru their mind and here are a few responses..

"Who has time?"

"What's that?"

"Do I have to ?"

"That was quick!"

"We used to do that!"

My heart is so sad that this was the popular opinion of the women. It doesn't have to be.

“Sex” is not a dirty word and we have to talk about sex in church. Let’s get real, the world (media, movies, internet, etc.) talks about it. The 2nd best place to talk about it is in church. The most important place should be in your home with your spouse.

God created sex.

Genesis 1:24-28 (NIV)

24 And God said, “Let the land produce living creatures according to their kinds: the livestock, the creatures that move along the

ground, and the wild animals, each according to its kind.” And it was so. 25 God made the wild animals according to their kinds,

the livestock according to their kinds, and all the creatures that move along the ground according to their kinds. And God saw

that it was good.

26 Then God said, “Let us make mankind in our image, in our likeness, so that they may rule over the fish in the sea and the

birds in the sky, over the livestock and all the wild animals, and over all the creatures that move along the ground.”

27 So God created mankind in his own image,

in the image of God he created them;

male and female he created them.

28 God blessed them and said to them, “Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over the fish in the

sea and the birds in the sky and over every living creature that moves on the ground.”

Ways to fracture Your Marriage & Sex Life.

* Withhold sex & intimacy in your marriage

1 Corinthians 7:5 (NLT)

⁵ Do not deprive each other of sexual relations, unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer. Afterward, you should come together again so that Satan won’t be able to tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

What is your favorite resteraunt ?

So let me ask this ….If you were asked to eat at the same resteraunt every day for the rest of your life and eat the same meal, would one of your expactations be to have that meal timely and consistent ? Compare that to your marriage or rather your sex life, ouch!

"Quantity is a poor substitute for quality. Quantity plays a role, but it is a supporting role, not the leading role."

However as women we need to learn to say "YES" more than we say "NO".

Unconditional Love -

John 13:34 “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.

"When you got married you made an unconditional promise to an imperfect man."

Your husband doesn’t need to earn the gift of sex. It’s not a reward system. It’s a love system. Fill up his love bank.

"In order for a man to reach his wife's body, he must go through her heart.

For a Woman to reach her husband's heart, she must go through his body."

Emerson Eggrich.

*Refuse to Heal From Past Sexual Hurts

his or her porn addiction

past relationships

sexualy molested

1)Realize that the Abuse was the Problem

2)Realize that God is Angry at the Abuse

3)Reframe How You See Sex

4)Talk about it.

You’re an adult now, and it’s up to you whether or not you want to let that abuser/situation keep stealing from you, or whether you’re going to pursue wholeness again. Please pursue wholeness.

* Establish your standard of attraction outside your marriage

Song of Solomon 5:10 (NLT)

¹⁰ My lover is dark and dazzling, better than ten thousand others!

YOU’RE MY STANDARD OF HOT.

Ladies your husband needs to know he is your standard of hotness!

Song of Solomon 7:1 (NLT)

¹ How beautiful are your sandaled feet, O queenly maiden. Your rounded thighs are like jewels, the work of a skilled craftsman.

You are my standard of beauty

People around you need to know your standard of hotness is your husband.

Avoid tempting situations

1 Corinthians 6:18 (NLT)

¹⁸ Run from sexual sin! No other sin so clearly affects the body as this one does. For sexual immorality is a sin against your own body.

Let other people know your standard & invite them to keep you accountable. They won’t keep you accountable if they don’t know you want them to.

Psalm 51:6 (NIV)

⁶ Surely you desire truth in the inner parts; you teach me wisdom in the inmost place.

* Be best-friends or form close relationships with opposite sex

Genesis 2:18 (MSG)

¹⁸God said, "It's not good for the Man to be alone; I'll make him a helper, a companion.

Song of Solomon 5:16 (NLT)

¹⁶ His mouth is sweetness itself; he is desirable in every way. Such, O women of Jerusalem, is my lover, my friend.

* Flirting (body part talking, jokes about sex)

* Facebook– Share passwords, emotional needs met thru fbook, should be meet thru your spouse. Always starts innocently.

* Start discussing Marriage issues with opposite sex.

* Value doing Everything Together

* Guard Interactions – Being alone with opposite sex in a private place, Won’t ride in a car alone with opposite sex, Counsel with opposite sex alone.

When you have interaction with the opposite sex it’s never harmless. Your Emotions will attach and your husband will not be able to meet those and you’ll have a wall up no matter how hard you try. Your sex life will be affected.

*Shut God out of our lives & relationships.

Hebrews 13:4 (NLT)

⁴ Give honor to marriage, and remain faithful to one another in marriage. God will surely judge people who are immoral and those who commit adultery.

*Emasculate Him by not giving him respect.

Show him honor by respect. That's a top need for him.

So often we belittle him, emasculate him, humiliate him, talk negative to family and friends.

It doesn’t matter if your husband has earned it or if he deserves it or if you don’t feel like it.

Show him honor by respecting him.

Some of you are praying your husband will come to church, well quit talking trash about him and maybe he will. Speak life over him.

Doesn’t matter feel like it or wether he has earned it. It’s biblical; Eph. 5:33 "and the wife must respect her husband."

Too many of us have virtually no respect for what a husband really needs, but we have unlimited respect for our own needs. And we’re not only hurting our husbands–we’re hurting ourselves.

We judge ourselves by our intentions. We judge our spouses by their actions. No wonder we think we’re better!

When your husband feels respected your sex life will launch thru the roof.

*Create a Child Centered Marriage

Child-centered marriage is a recipe for disaster. Teach children early that their “happiness” is not Mom or Dad’s reason for living.

Never think that you are doing your children a favor by prioritizing them over your husband.

Your husband was there before your kids, and will be there when there gone. Where will your marriage be ?

And the 2 will become 1. What God has put together let no man seperate.

1)Top Priority is Jesus.

2)Then your spouse.

*Don’t Pray Over HIm

When you don't pray over your husband you allow so many things to become priority.

Here is a thirty day guide to pray over your husband.

Vision.

Have you ever been apart of something that you just got, and understood the importance of ?

I remember when we planted our church, and how we wanted to make the vision that God gave us so clear that our congregation could repeat it and say it within a 30 seconds to anyone who asked. Doing this allowed them to know our hearts, see where we were going, and take ownership.

Love God, Love People, Change The World.

Love God - Using discipleship to grow people's relationship in the Lord, and that everything we do must come under us Loving God.

Loving People - Loving people right were they were. intentionally loving them. How often do you recognize your leaders ? People who greet, run the nursery ? They must feel loved and valued.

Change The World- The great commission going out into the all the world and sharing the gospel.

Could be thru providing quarters at the laundry mat, free childcare, giving water bottles to people when they come out of the bar at 3:00 in the morning. The list is endless, but basically to serve.

I know several churches that have such a "Simple" approach to their vision and church.

WE as a body of believers and ministry leaders complicate things so much .

We have programs for programs and we keep our calendars full and busy.

We spin a bazillion plates at one time praying that one won't hit the floor while the others are all spinning.

However is your vision or lack of vision so complicated that you aren't even taken care of your first responsibilities.

1) Your relationship with the Lord

2) Your relationship with your spouse

3)Your Children

4)Your Ministry/Job

So often #4 dictates #1-#3 umm how backwards ?!?!?

My friend Melissa Elswick recently said in an online conference.

“Tip the scale toward ministering to our family first, our children are our most important disciples. Don’t just say yes to a good thing… say yes to a better thing… your family.”

My friend Angie and her husband planted a church and have had a huge life changing event, but in that so much good has come. I know Jon & Angie will someday be able to share how out of balance people have come in ministry. Check out this post here. If your critical of her thoughts, I can pretty much tell you that's the Holy Spirit tapping on your shoulder saying (cough cough).

So back to my main point - Vision.

Keep it simple. - Great Book to read on this.

Keep it follow able by people in your church.

Become Fearless but Fear the Lord (If God is leading you to do something, but you don't want to ruffle feathers, you will ruffle more by sitting and doing nothing, and you will lead your church to a slow death, and probably your family.)

Most of all Have a Vision. (winning souls isn't just enough, people want to see and understand the "how" behind it, and know what happens once they find Jesus). Not only does a lack of vision not lead the people in your church, but you'll go thru staff so quick because they have nothing to follow.

If you have lost the vision, you have lost the passion or your church is controlling the way you Pastor or lead your doing nothing more than prostituting yourself to believers trying to get them to buy into a mystery of your ministry.

Eventually, you will loose them because they don't know where they are going or what to follow. All ministries in your church should support the main vision of the church, if they don't peace out, that ministry needs to go away!

Last story, I remember when we were felt God leading us to pass off our church plant to someone else. The feeling of starting over, moving or having to go to another church, and learn their problems (all churches have them) was exhausting.

However, I feel so strongly if we would have stayed the church would be falling apart because God was done with us at this church. Staying longer would have been detrimental.

Part of having Vision is realizing when you have done what God asked and when it's time to move on. You may be holding your church back or you could be missing a HUGE blessing God has for you!

Final thoughts - If any of the above is you, it's never to late to shift the tide. Have a simple vision that is the umbrella of your church that all other things fall under. If it's not under the vision umbrella - it's gone.

Don't exhaust yourself, your family, your staff, your friends, and mostly your relationship with the Lord all for the sake of busy, and lack of vision.

My Core.

This morning as I sit here, I'm pondering so much that God has done and is doing in my life.

The top one is my sore legs, arms and abs. I have been working out at least 4 times a week and well my body is screaming at me because of this.

I actually am really enjoying working out and feeling very healthy. However I would not be truthful if I didn't admit how much harder working out at 29 is versus when I was in High School.

I have had 3 children, and a surgery. What I'm learning thru getting my body back to a healthy weight is that my Core is going to determine how far I go.

After my surgery a few years ago, my core became weaker. When I refer to my core it's my heart. If my heart in my body is not strong my workout its going to be pretty difficult. If my heart is not strong and pumping blood thru my body and giving life and energy I can't run 1/4 mile let a lone 2-3 miles.

I believe it's the same with our walk with the Lord, if we aren't pumping life in and out it's not going to to guard us or keep us safe from harm. If we don't know to build up our heart muscle, the Holy Spirit will not be able to be at work within us. Sometimes we need to make our heart stronger so it can be broken for the things that breaks his.

So many times we see our faith as an outward behavior modification program.

We feel that if we stop swearing,lusting,indulging, gossiping(put in your choice word)in behaviors not glorifying to God then we will be the happy good and faithful Christian.

However we should see our faith as a heart transplant an internal heart transformation, and live from the inside out, and not the outside in. Trying to make our heart obey what were doing. Your heart is only going to be what you feed it. If your feeding your heart and soul with the word, and prayer and relationship, then God will change you from the inside out. A natural reflection will be shown. God gave us the Holy Spirit to give us freedom to be a christian and not just act like one!

Just like after my surgery I waited a long time to strengthen my body and work out again and it was much harder. The longer you wait to allow God to work in your heart the harder it's going to be to build and strengthen your trust and relationship.

So today I'm reminded to allow God to not just strengthen my core as I work out, but to also strengthen my core, my heart, his heartbeat.

"Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm; for love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave. It burns like blazing fire, like a mighty flame." Song of Solomon 8:6

Peek A Boo

Well hello there...

It's me you know the girl that blogs on a regular basis (HA)!

Well I have a really great excuse... we moved, and when I say moved I mean like really moved.

Our new city is amazing, the people are so friendly, and the view well that's just a given.

So with that said here is some pictures for you to make your guesses.

If you guessed Colorado you are correct.

Our church plant was passed into a couples hands that loved the city and felt God leading them in that direction.

We miss it at times. So much hard work, blood, sweat, loads of tears were poured out in Georgia. However I have so much peace for our journey and theirs.

We are the Music peeps at an amazing church! We love our new pastors, we love the people and we are excited for this journey. We have been here around three weeks and just got internet and getting life into a new routine.

I love what the message bible says in Ephesians 3:20

God can do anything, you know—far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently within us.

God has worked within my husband and I so much in the last 2 years as we left security, and planted a church. Never did he push us around he worked with us, as we allowed him to gently mold us, change us.

As he did this he has given us more than we could have ever imagined.

So what is God gently working out in you today? Do you trust his heart and his best interest for you ? You should!!

Straighten Your Crown

Though the cherry trees don't blossom

and the strawberries don't ripen,

Though the apples are worm-eaten

and the wheat fields stunted,

Though the sheep pens are sheepless

and the cattle barns empty,

I'm singing joyful praise to God.

I'm turning cartwheels of joy to my Savior God.

Counting on God's Rule to prevail,

I take heart and gain strength.

I run like a deer.

I feel like I'm king of the mountain!

Somedays lady's everything is wrong, but just remember your a princess and it's time to straighten your crown and do a cartwheel and stand on top of the mountain and have the strength to say we will make it.

Praying for you today!

Pearl of Great Price.

The Kingdom of Heaven is like a pearl merchant on the look-out for choice pearls. When he discovered a pearl of great value,he sold everything he owned and bought it! (Matthew 13:45-46)

I am about to explain my limited knowledge on how a pearl is created. Please don't correct me if I'm wrong because it would just ruin my whole story. :)

Inside an oyster is a tiny muscle in the course of the oyster’s development, a foreign substance such as a grain of sand gets into the little muscle and irritates the oyster. In response, the oyster covers that irritant with a secretion. The longer the irritation is there, the more the oyster coats it. Pearl oysters vary in size and can be quite rough and ugly. Yet what is happening inside is a combination of rainbows, moonlight, and bits of flame. Once the oyster accepts the irritation as part of itself, the pearl begins to develop. The worst storms, gales, even hurricanes will not dislodge it. As time goes by and this oyster is finally pulled up from the bed where it has been for many years, it is opened only to reveal a beautiful pearl.

So why I'm a telling you about a pearl you ask ? You see I am pretty sure it represents most of our lives (in ministry or not).

1. God sees something in you (like he did the oyster)

2. He plants a special seed in you and covers you with his Grace

3. When chosen sometimes it's ugly, we cry because it's not what we had planned and we don't want to embrace it.

4. However we say "Yes"

5. Overtime the outside is so ugly as we are growing, but what God is doing in our hearts is amazing!

6. Sometimes it takes years for God's beauty to be unveiled to the World and those around.

Specifically for you in Ministry, Adoption ect... God planted something amazing in you! He in-trusted you with something... what an honor, and privilege (I understand it doesn't always feel that way).

I know that sometimes that little spec of dirt or seed that God planted in us to something BIG sometimes feels at a stand still, but just remember every pearl comes out a different size, shape and color and yours may not look like anyone else's but it was God given,and God planted.

Embrace the Pearl of Great Price.

Remember the scripture above he gave up EVERYTHING to buy that one great pearl.

Some of you have given up everything and putting all your eggs in the pearl that God has asked you to nurture and carry!

Be thankful that God choose YOU!!!

There are things to embrace while going thru those small tough hard beginnings or those long overworked days.

While your in the oyster being beautified what can you embrace ???

Marriage.

Being in the ministry is hard work.

Being married in the ministry is even harder work.

However the basic truths that Dena and I discussed are very real and true to any marriage.

This video is shorter than the one on balance....

I promise!

What do you do to keep your marriage safe ?

Marriage & Ministry from Rachael Scott on Vimeo.

The Punctuation of Life ~ Charlotte Gambill

I have listend to this 100 times. I mean it really! This message is 9 minutes but is soo good, and uplifting to me.

On The Line.

How many of you have so much on the line ?

This starts the week of crazy but fun events and cooking and baking! There is so much on the line... if i don't get my butt in gear and get of the computer.

I even just sent my amazing preacher dude to the store with a three page list yes... with my 6 year old daughter to help keep him on track. Much is on the line with this grocery store trip.

We have friends coming from Michigan for a few days, we are going caroling with the family, Family parties, lot's of food to make a lot is on the line.

The pressure to clean and cook and bake and so on and on and on...

As I was thinking today i realized there is a ton on the line.

You see Christmas is about one thing. A baby born in a manger who came into this world to eventually die on a cross for us, you and me! There was a lot on the line when that wonderful baby Jesus was born! I'm a mother of 3 who had the luxury of giving birth in a hospital. There would be a lot on the line, if i did a home birth. I have complications and things that would be dangerous to deliver let's say in a manger, a stable on hay or even just in my home or God forbid a car. I say all this to say that yes there is a lot on the line with presents and cooking and party's but how sad at the end of the day, at the end of this season if we didn't share the love of Jesus our Savior with one single person. I mean really share it... invite people to put it all on the line and follow him ??? I know my family is going to do our part to make Jesus felt and known everywhere we go! I will put it all on the line just to see even one person feel the hope that Jesus brings, to see him as a present and not all the other "stuff".

Loving Jesus & putting it all on the line.

Merry Christmas!!